Saturday 30 April 2016

Oshone Amari Kwaku Na'Zyia and Ife

Good morning,

Another day, and I can do nothing but Love and Miss You from far.  I miss you so..
I Love You Oshone.
I Love You Amari.
I Love You Kwaku.
I Love You Na'Zyia.
I Love You Ife.

I Just miss you like I have never missed any life form on this Earth.  I miss you..

I wanted you to know that when I moved out of your home, I moved in with two people.  One fell in love with me.  I have told her that I Love Your Mother, and am in Love with Your Mother.  I have told her that I know that I will never be given a chance to show the man that I am, and have become to Your Mother, but that this is all my fault.  That I have made too many mistakes with her to be given another chance.  I want you to know that I am honest with everyone in life.  That I do know how to speak with people well, but there is never any dishonesty.  I do not tell people what I know they want to hear, but that everything I say and do comes from the bottom of my heart.  This has been one of the greatest changes in my life.  That I have not had a beer or anything alcohol related for going on one full year (exactly 210 days).  I need to say this again, because it has also been a great change in my life.  I have not had a drink of alcohol for two hundred and ten days.  Not because I was told to, but because I want to be the greatest man, and father that walked this Earth.  I am on a path towards cleanliness and righteousness.  There is not one negative cell in my body.  I breath positivity.  I bring improvement to the lives of others. 

I do work extremely hard.  I have several accounts, and am growing financially.  There is an account set up for You, Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia and Ife.  Currently, I have paid $7000.00 in child support, but I am increasing the monthly payments as of May, 2016.  I will not speak of the court costs, and lawyer fee's but please know that I have paid them all with no one's help.  In fact, I pay for everything myself.  The reason I bring up the money is because if we never get to speak, I want you to know this of me.  That I take care of my responsibilities.  That I am a father that has a four bedroom house, with another room in the basement, my own car (it would amaze you to see what I'm driving and yes, it is big enough for us all to fit in), and so much more.  I have never been so well established in my life, and with hard work and honesty, it is growing.

I wish to again express my sorrow for all my wrongs.  For not being a good husband.  For not being a father that should take care of his family the right way.  For my failures in the past.  Please know that I am trying every second of every day to make up for my mistakes.  How you do your best is expressed through actions, and not words.  Let these words be a reflection of my actions.

I Love You Oshone
I Love You Amari
I Love You Kwaku
I Love You Na'Zyia
I Love You Ife

I MISS YOU

Tuesday 26 April 2016

Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia and Ife - April, 26th/2016 2:57am

Oshone
Amari
Kwaku
Na'Zyia
Ife

I appeared, in this room.  They (these people) said you were all in there.  I opened the door, and held You, Kwaku, in my arms.  We stared in eachothers eyes, face to face.  I couldn't stop holding you.  I couldn't let you go.  I Love You so much.  I miss You so..  I couldn't speak, but you saw the Love and pain in my eyes.

I picked you up, Ife and held you.  I Love You Forever.  I kneeled down, and Oshone, you began to speak.  You let go of your anger, and spoke to me.  Amari, You joined in, by turning towards me and looking at me deeply.  Na'Zyia, you to turned and looked at me.  We all spent our time speaking, and learning of one another.  There was only Love present.  There was so much catching up.  The interest in our lives was the focus.  This moment was tremendous.  The moment was real...

I awoke from my dream.  This dream takes place every night. 

Instead of crying myself to sleep, I turned on the computer and expressed what had just taken place. 

With tears rolling down my cheeks, I am here.  I am displaying a sorrow I have never known. 

What I am saying is..

sorry

I Miss You

Thursday 21 April 2016

Impossibly sorry..

For You,

I arose to the news of the unthinkable... 
And all I could think of is You. 

I am sorry.

Corinthians by Kwame James

I am a man forever shamed.  I am a human that embodies remorse.
I am sorry from the depths of my core. 
I am living a life of sorrow..
yet I strive to be a better man, every day.

"When the shadows form, Could curse the day I was born.
How could my Love transform, do wrong, hurt Mrs      .
Look deep within, and all I feel is shame.
I self blame ******* and then the ignorance I became.
So I poor tears on this page and empty out this flask of pain.
Love has never felt this way, but it will never be the same.
So I'm punished for absolute days, for all of my deeds.
I plead with the most high, but God will never forgive me.
See hate was your reward for your Love      .
But Love is patient, is kind, and is void of envy.
It doesn't boast, is never proud, and does not dishonor      .
I have failed You time again, so of Thee, I am unworthy.
Of the ways I have hurt You, I'm thankful You're now free.
Shine Love over our children, beautiful, and now breath.
That the truth shines bright, not by speaking but by proof.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

Chorus

Bask in the joy of life, partake not in the drink of wine.
All concepts of the Cosmos not by chance but by design.
See time makes one wise, seek advice from wisdom speaking.
Love is not easily angered, nor itself is self seeking.
She taught these philosophies, Her care, forever inside me.
Her energy and enthusiasm grew this plant form from seed.
Her ora, Purple, sensitive.  Sympathetic, and considerate.
I've lost True Love, my fall accelerated, and is infinite.
Shattered to the core, internally.  Never Felt This Way our song.
But Love in the right manor, Keep no Record of Her wrongs.
For others, You're a person.  See me, You're Gods Form.
I see ALL, I was once blind, for four years, now I'm reborn.
To trust and to hold, I wish to, promote respect.
I promise, perseverance, and show Your Worth, provide protect.
How does a man display his all, within his own body.
Make a Lady know and feel that She is, his everything.

Chorus

Love in moments, while We danced to Noise of Art.
This pen bleeds out, from the sincerest of all hearts.
No words on Earth replace, erase, all that I've scarred.
I sacrifice my life for You, of bad ways I part.
Brightened days, I breathe, the best, ****** smile.
Love never fails, I dream, I've dreamt, and then I'll try.
Prophecies in the light of righteousness will never cease.
An undying Love believes, and forwardly strives out for peace.
The mention of the Holy Mount Zion, I grant to Thee.
But gradually, I realize we were not meant to be.
I'm Crying For You, I Cry Out, What You've Been Through.
I'm Kwame James, I Love You, I Love You, I LOVE YOU.
A Chapter a day, in the Bible of which I've read.
*****, I await You on my dying bed."

Friday 15 April 2016

Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia and Ife

Hello wonderful children,

I just wanted to say that I Love You.  That I was speaking with a friend and telling them that You are such great children.  Too beautiful to live in the repetitive cycle of a broken family.  That you deserve the mother and father who brought you into to this world, together and happily in Love.  Giving you all the Love in the world. 

"A Dream.. a simple fantasy that I wish was reality"

I Love You

Wednesday 13 April 2016

Oshone Amari Kwaku Na'Zyia Ife - a small thought

Hello Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia and Ife,

I wanted to share something with you. 

I think about you ALL, literally every second of every day.  Yes it brings me pain, because there is much I have done to re-unite with you, but I have failed in all my efforts.  However, I wanted you to know that if there were an email server connected to my brain, or if my mind was plugged into the internet, YOU would see that what I am expressing is true.  That I would flood page after page of all social media sites, and every viable outlet that I am allowed to use to show YOU that I am nothing without YOU.  That my life means absolutely nothing without YOU.  That I am so sorry..

More than all this,

I LOVE YOU

P.S. I speak so highly of your mother to all.  People are not permitted to say one negative thing about her in my presence.  Why?  I am defending my Love.  I deserve to be punished.  This is my punishment.

Daddy

Tuesday 12 April 2016

To Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia and Ife

Dear Children,

I Apologize.  I am sorry.  I am regretful.  I am remorseful.

It goes deeper still..

Forever, I am impossibly sorry.

I Love You

Daddy

Oshone Osai Amari Mosiah Kwaku Oluwasei Na'Zyia Skye Ife Lia'Jasiri

Good evening, great children.

I wanted to say that I Love You.  That I miss you, and that I have never hurt in my life like the way I hurt now.

I spoke with an older lady about you today, and I often find myself speaking about you in conversations with people I meet (usually the elderly because I am interested in their wisdom and insight).  The common thread that binds my expression of Loving and Missing you with how I may one day see you again, is that I must pray.  I have been praying for four years, however, I am not praying hard enough.  I have sunk to my knees in the snow, in the rain, in my living room, and I have prayed almost everywhere in my house, and outside while on break at work.  But I have to say that in church, where I go, I have not prayed hard enough. 

So, to you Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia, and Ife- I say that I will try harder.  I will pray harder.  Last nights prayer was for you all to be warm, safe, and above all, happy.  I prayed that all your dreams come true.  I prayed that you are surrounded by Love.

I Pray that you can feel my energy.  Positive energy.

Always

Love,
Your Father

Friday 8 April 2016

Ife - Your Father Loves You

Good afternoon, Ife.

What saddens me and brings me to places of extreme anxiety is the fact that I understand you will not remember me.  You will not remember our time together.  Our very special moments.  This is part of the reason I am so motivated to reunite with you, and give you all that you deserve.

When you would go to bed at night, I would hug and tuck in yourself, as well as your brothers and sisters.  You did something that only YOU could do.  Only YOU would do. 

I would hold you, and wrap my arms around you while you fell asleep.  I would stay there until I was certain you were fast asleep.  I would determine this by the way your breathing would slow, and by the feel of your arms losing their grip around me.  I would then gently start to stand up, but as soon as I did, you would squeeze me.  You would hold me, and sometimes say, "Daddy".  Then I would smile, and begin sitting back down with my upper body and arms holding you as you held me tight.  This would go on for almost an hour, until when I had risen for the final time, you would not tighten your grasp (which I loved and still yearn for).  Then I knew, you were sleeping.

I want to tell you that I am sorry that I put our family in a position to be divided.  That it is my fault, and no one else's that I am not there.  That I fight stronger to be with you, because I am trying so hard to correct the mistakes I have made that caused this.  How I am fighting is by being an honest man.  I do not lie to anyone.  I go to court seeking access to you.  I have sought professional help to once again, be in your lives.  I pay child support.  I have my own house which I furnished for all your brothers and sisters.  It is a four bedroom house with a big basement, which also doubles as another bedroom.  I have a big backyard, which is private and I dream of the day where I can see all of you playing and swimming in the pool.  I own many other things, that are not for me.  They are for you and your siblings.  I have done this to prove that I am a responsible father and man.  I have been helped by no one, and pay for everything myself, including the monthly child support (which will increase as I have five children who need more than what I am currently paying).  I have been promoted at work several times, and am at the highest level in my department.  It is the Laminating department, where only four employees are qualified to work per shift, completely separate from the rest of the company.  The company name is "Cascades- a division of Norampac".  I have been there for just over two years now, and in that time have become the first ever black (African Canadian) Laminator Operator.  I can provide for my family in a way I should have from day one.  However, everything happens for a reason and I am in the position I am for good reason.

I want to say that I Love your mother very much and am sorry for the way I treated her.  I am saying sorry to both you, Ife and her.  I do so because I understand.

Some dreams come true, and some do not.  My dream for ever more, will be that all your dreams come true. 

Ife,
I Love You

Love,

Daddy

Wednesday 6 April 2016

Na'Zyia Skye - I LOVE YOU!

Na'zyia,

I miss you.  You would run to me at bedtime, and give me hugs and kisses.  I miss this dearly.  I Love you dearly.  It is so hard to describe through words how my heart feels for you.  A Father could not possibly love a daughter more than I Love You.

I need you to know that I am trying very hard to be in your life.  That I have been trying, and fighting to be there for you.  That the most important thing to me in my life, is for a mother and a father to not fight, but to be together raising their children together.  That I am that man.  A man that is fighting to unite his family.  To have love within our walls, and no hate.  No negativity.  Only positive energy.  Simply, Love.  That is the man that I am. 

I remember you put on a music routine, where you danced and sang Adele's song, Set Fire To The Rain for me.  It was absolutely brilliant and beautiful.  It makes me feel sad, as I am not there to embrace you and show you consistently how much I care, and how much you mean to me.  That there is not anything in this world that I would not do for you.  That as I type this, I am paying the courts to support you, and that I have a four bedroom home that I have been living in for over 6 months now.  That your brothers and sisters bedrooms are beautiful, and decorated exactly how I know you would all want.  That I am in a position to buy you all the clothes you could ask for, and that is something I want to provide for you.  That even the cupboards are filled with all your favorite foods.  Not all are "junk food" but I do remember what you enjoyed for snacks.  I eat barely anything, because.. nothing means anything to me without you.  Without my children. 

That your Father is in a position to take all of you on summer vacation.  That I dream of being there so that we all can enjoy life together.  I will not give what I have to anyone other than you, your brothers and sisters and your mother.  That I am forever sorry for mistreating your mother.  I have songs to show how I feel, that I have recorded and will put on youtube for the world, but especially for you to hear. 

That I know I will never be forgiven, and will be looked upon as a bad person for the rest of my life, but that I strive to be better every day of my life.  Not just for me, but for my family.

For You.

I Love You Na'Zyia Skye,

Daddy

Monday 4 April 2016

Kwaku.. I Love You!!!

Kwaku,

When you cried, I was listening.  I have heard you.  I fought to get to you.  I am fighting to get to you.  I know your heart, as my heart is your heart. 

I love you in a way that is spiritual.  Our connection is strong and that is why I know what you were going through when you called for me.  I know.  I have called for you, and I have tried desperately to answer your own calls.  They are not allowing me to be there, and when I try, I am refused.  I need you to trust and know this to be true.  I will prove this to you, when the time comes. 

I have made mistakes that have nothing to do with my love for you, and your sisters and brother.  The mistakes I have made are the reason I am not allowed to be with you any longer.  Not because I do not want to give you the love a Father dreams of giving his children.  But because I am not looked upon as a good person in this life by those who control my visitation with you.  I am sorry.  I am beyond sorry, because I did not see this in our future.  No way did I expect that you would be taken away from me.  No matter how hard I try, hate for me prevents my access to you. 

I am sorry.  But I will never give up.  I won't, because I Love You!

Our time walking to school, and from school.  The stories I would tell you and how you paid attention and laughed so beautifully.  The walks from school, when you would run to me with your arms out ready to hug me.  These mean so much to me.  The games we played, on Nintendo Wii, DS, DSI, and how great you were at all those games we played.  I will not mention them here, but believe me, if.. when we do speak, I will remind you.  In your bedroom upstairs, I have all these games, and a big tv.  I have so much more for you.  I have books I want to share, that will elevate your mind, and allow you the chance to excel in school.  I have no doubt you are doing extremely well, it's just that the love I have to give, and the insight into problems and solutions to through life's journey can only benefit your life. 

This is why I will never give up on being a great Dad for you.

I Love You, Kwaku and I will always Love You.  I will write more in the coming days, weeks, months and years.  However long it takes for us to be together again.

I Love You

Sunday 3 April 2016

I am Sorry

Good morning, Amari.

My love for you is something no one, not even you I pray will ever question.  I think about you every second of every day.  I have so many memories of us, and all the things we used to do.  All the joy we shared together.  I want you to know how much I miss you, and how my heart breaks every day because I am not there, to help you with everything you need.  I am a father who is different.  I do not live my life happy because I need my children here.

I smile, and then cry when I think of you and I training for athletics.  Of us sprinting by the park, and racing up the stairs, all the way to the 17th floor.  You were so strong, and determined.  You would breeze up and down the flights of stairs and I knew right then and there that you have something special.  The one memory, that breaks my heart in the greatest way, which I have photo's of is when you ran laps around the school yard for cross country in the morning.  You would compete against guys in your school who were your age and many that were older, and you would still win! 

Amari; the joy that brought me.. you will never know.  How you would look me in the eyes, during the races and after.  My son; I am so proud of you!  I absolutely love you so much.  I have so many memories to share, but I will spread them out in time, and through these letters. 

I find you to have all the qualities of a great human.  You are kind, considerate, and strong.  You are a great inspiration to people, and you are an inspiration to me.  This is one of the reasons I will fight to have you in my life.  So that we can be, father and son once again. 

I love you

Saturday 2 April 2016

Oshone Amari Kwaku Na'Zyia Ife

Every night is a nightmare for me without my children.

I woke up thinking (as I always do) about my love for you, Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia and Ife.  So many bad things were said to me about my Father when I was young, but when I grew in age, I learned that there are always two sides to every story.  Specifically, my father was supposed to be this monster who mistreated my mother every second of every day.  I learned that he did many wrongs to her, and they are not to be forgotten, but that life has a way of bringing the truth to light.  That I could at least see where and why he behaved the way he did.  That my heart breaks for my mother because no man is not to ever behave in a negative way towards any woman, especially the woman we love.  The essence of this paragraph is deeply seeped in understanding what goes through a persons head to cause them to do what they have done.

Once again, and most importantly, NO MAN is to mistreat a WOMAN!!

I will write about my life, and of course my love for you Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia and Ife for all my days.  Of how I miss you beyond words.  Of how I love you all, more than I could love any one or anything.  I just love and miss you...

Oshone, in your bedroom, in my house, there are many drawings that you gave me when you were young.  One in particular, is an outline of your hand.  The size of your hand, in the time it was drawn is very small, compared to how big you must be now.  The Judge (whom I am in a constant fight against to be able to see you) has not granted me access for visitation, so I am forced to stay away.  However, this does not prevent me from putting your photo's and pictures up around my house.  Or watching our video's.  Or listening to your voice on the songs you sang when you were small.  I have so much to show you, when I am allowed.  There is a song called "I Can Make Anything" that you sang.  It always brings me to tears to listen to.  I have a video where you and I went to Mamma Rose (Shawn Rose's Mother) house and spent a nice moment with her.  You were very young, but it is a reflection of the love we shared for eachother.  You loved me so much...

Yet, I love you so much more.

I Love you Oshone