When I say that I despise myself, it is for the ways I have treated a special lady. I have confessed my sins to everyone, inside and out. Most of all, I have confessed my sins to myself, and to God. I have apologized, and will continue to apologize until the day that I am no longer here (on my 100th birthday / they say the average man lives 77 years or so..).
I am very angry at myself, when I think about all the wrongs I have done. It is reflective moments that cause me to feel this way. It is also to hold myself accountable for that which I can never repair. I will work on myself, and will strive to be better each day. For instance, I have not had any alcohol for 274 days. I used to drink beer, but not only have I completely removed it from my life; I have moved on past that phase of my life, and recognize it caused my family more harm than good. I was speaking with my brother and told him, just this past weekend, that alcohol does not bring anyone any good. I only think about it (beer) when writing in this blog. It's gone...
I was told that having children may not be in the cards for me. That maybe I was not supposed to be able to raise children, and be in a family environment. I put my head down, in an attempt to understand where this person was coming from. I raised my head with encouragement and positive energy, and said I have made many mistakes. I have done many wrongs. I will not ever accept that I am not the Father for the children we share. I have stepped up to the plate, and have offered all that I am capable of in this time. In a little more time, I will offer and give much more. I have stepped up to the plate..
There's no other words for SORRY, but the tears that lay in MY hands...
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