11:06 pm - Wednesday, March 14th/2018

Dear Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia, Ife

I am here, without You.  You are somewhere in this world, and I am continuing this dream of mine; that we will someday be reunited.  I hold onto this dream because I want to protect You, Love You, and be there for You in every way that I am capable of.  I have not written as many letters to You recently, as I would like because believe me when I tell You; this hurts.  It is similar to reaching out for a cup of water when you're dying of thirst, knowing the cup is being pulled away from You, elusively.  I write these letters hoping they will land in Your hearts and minds, and that somehow, some way; You will want to spend time with me.  I am not allowed to come to You.  If I were given permission in the form of access, I would be by Your sides every day of my life.

I reflect on the bedtime stories I used to tell You, and the great times we shared when walking to school.  The songs that we would sing.  Do You remember "Moons full R.J.  See You in the morning"?  I share our memories often, but not so often that it breaks me down.  I do fall into persistent states of heartbreak, because our bonds were unbreakable, and I am afraid that they have been broken.  This form of helplessness is the leading cause of my pain, since the day I last saw You Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia, Ife.

I dream of You every night, and often wake up in the middle of the night thinking of You.  A re-occurring dream is that You do not remember me, and our beautiful times together.  That You sought an explanation for my absence, and I cry in front of You knowing that my response will be insufficient.  This, I have to live with.

I do not look forward to these letters because I wish to remain optimistic in the knowledge that we will be together again (as I said above and have reinforced throughout the majority of my letters to You).  I prefer to imagine that You're having a wonderful March break, and that You are thriving in school and are enjoying Your lives, the way You are supposed to.  I picture You smiling, Kwaku, all the time.  I picture You being focused and determined, Amari, all the time.  I picture You drawing and writing Oshone (I have a picture that You drew for me behind me on the desk in the living room right now which says the "Sky is blue icing, the lake is chocolate, the clouds are strawberries, I Love You Daddy"), I picture You loving everyone near You Ife, I picture You dancing and singing Na'Zyia. 

These thoughts, I embrace because I just want You to be in the presence of perfect Love.

Continuously.

I Miss You Oshone (I am sorry that I was not there for Your grade 8 graduation)
I Miss You Amari (I wish I could be there to watch You graduate this year)
I Miss You Kwaku (Please lift Your chin and smile)
I Miss You Na'Zyia (Please take care of Ife)
I Miss You Ife (Please do not cry)

I Love You

Love,

Daddy

P.S. I am forever sorry