Tuesday, 28 June 2016

Proud, I am not

Hello children,

This message is a sliver of my inner reflections.  This comes at a time when finally, I am able to share from the depths of my being, some of my growth.  This is who I have become, as a human being.  This is a part of my growth.

Hmm.. where shall I begin. 

I stare at this computer screen, in silence, hoping my spirit will allow for the manifestation of my inner being.  Largely, I embody the changes that I have experienced in the absence of human interaction, so that no one can know who I truly am.  They gain their perception of me as I encounter them in my day to day experience.  But no one ever has access to my deepest thoughts, feelings, but maybe see my behavior through my actions.  My actions are loud, despite the fact that they come without words.  Here are some words that have lead to this act of messaging You, Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia, Ife.  Your father is a person who gives, with no intention of receiving.  I truly consider the life and lives of others, before my own.  I have given myself up, for a higher calling.  A more significant meaning.  Everything I do, is for others.  Not for myself.  I have bought a new car, and fashioned a new house, not for me.  Not for strangers to be enamored with.  I did so because I believed that this is what it would take to make the only Lady I will ever Love see that I have changed, therefore, accept my doings.  This is the truth.  In court, I was not given an opportunity to say that the things I own, are not for me!  I bought these things for the most incredible Lady on this Earth.  I would walk always from all that I presently have, if She would take them.  Take everything, because... (and this is the part I will need You to pay careful attention to), I am not the best thing that happened to You.  I doesn't exist, anymore.  What I give, does.  I'm going to say it again.  What - I - Give - Does exist.  Love exists, whether I am alive or not.  Just because I want to give "MY" Love, does not mean it is in the best interest of Her - 'This Special Lady'.  How selfish can one be, to believe that they deserve to be Loved.  I am referencing myself, here.  What matters most in life, is Your happiness.  Happiness exists, whether I am alive or not.  Happiness does not have to be on account of me.  My evolution has taught me, that Love is sufficient unto Love.  Let Life be.  Let Love be.  I am focused on being a good person.  I have lost the right to give my Love to a Lady, and this should not hurt me.  It is deserving.  Let her be Loved by one deserving.  This should make me happy.  This is the definition and recognition of Love.  Total and complete unselfishness.  Let all be Loved. 

My thoughts go deeper still.  It is very hard to type the words.  The understanding that should be gathered from me, is to never get in the way Love.  Do not stand in the way of Love.  But to let Love find its way.

TO LET LOVE.. Love.

Love,

Daddy

Monday, 27 June 2016

"Fight For ME"

Revelations that come to me, everyday strike my heart with a force that tears my eyes.  Continuously.  The fact that a lady said "Fight For ME", although I was not worth the ground she walked and walks.  All the wrongs of my life, that cause me to literally hate myself are too numerous to count.  When I feel as though I've arrived at the final wrong, another comes smashing the door.  I thought of 14 more wrongs, and silently, under my breath, in my car, said I am sorry...

How could I be so blind, during the most important time of my life?  This question will haunt me until the day I die.  What is more disturbing, is life's twisted irony.  That I now am in a financially secure position, and am growing.  To be specific, I am now above middle income and own more than I have ever owned in my life, but cannot show and physically give to the most important Angels in the Universe (again, although I do pay child support twice a month).  That I have interviews for higher positions, which will double my income, and have arrived at this place far too late, causes me dismay beyond belief.  I cannot shake my head hard enough, and feel disdain for myself.  Not sympathy, but utter disgust for myself.  Why was I such a fool!! 

To review more honesty; I have paid a 'lawyer' now $9000.00 in child support, and have sent birthday money (not including the thousands paid in court and lawyer fee's), which I am increasing as my income increases.  Going on 1 year living in a home, that is furnished all the way, from the bedrooms and bathrooms, to the basement.  Alone!  Living alone!  Own my car (BMW SUV) and the things I have invested in are actually improving my financial standing.  So much I wish to say.  Speaking of alone; a truth that may be difficult to believe, but I do not lie so here it is.  I have not been in a ****** relationship nor have I been ******** with anyone since I left.  I have done so much wrong, in terms of flirting, and leading on.. but I have never crossed that line.  This does not make me a good man, as I have belittled myself for all my wrongs, but it is a truth none the less.  I thought on this deeply and realized just because I am not ******** with anyone, does not give me grounds to be forgiven for all my sins.  My sins, if I could reverse them, would make me a good man.  Now, I set out to undo all my wrongs.  To find a way to become a good man.  To apologize forever and a day, to the One I Love.  To make Her realize that I would worship the ground She walks every second of every day.  That to Love Her better as the sun arises each morning, is one of my motivations to live.  To Love Her better each day.  The depth of this sentence...

I will not be given this chance, because I do not deserve it.  The audacity of myself, to ask the Universe to grant me this ONE chance! 

All I am is a man who has recognized his wrongs. 
All I am is a man who has much to be punished for.

I am this man, who wants to give Love..

Just arrived home from work, and now I shower.  Then, downstairs to record music for Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia, Ife. 

Then; I will pray.

Daddy

Sunday, 26 June 2016

Goodnight Babies

Goodnight, Oshone
Goodnight, Amari
Goodnight, Kwaku
Goodnight, Na'Zyia
Night Night, Ife Lia' Jasiri

Daddy Loves You

Babies I Apologize

Goodnight, Oshone
Goodnight, Amari
Goodnight, Kwaku
Goodnight, Na'Zyia
Goodnight, Ife

I hope that You are all warm, comfortable, and enthusiastic for a new day.  I hope that You are all experiencing the sweetest of dreams.  This, I mean.

I have finished recording "Babies, I Apologize".  It is a beautiful song for You.  I actually 'sung' the entire track.  I layed four minutes of vocals tonight.  I will work on another for You this coming week.  Daddy works very hard, and despite the fact that this week i'm walking into a tougher than usual schedule, I am undaunted by the limitations of the amount of time in the day.  I will get this done.  I will get in from work, shower, and head to the basement to record more songs for You.

I Love You and..

"Oshone, I apologize.  Oyo, I Need You!
Ife, I apologize.  Ja-Si, I Need You!
Zyia, I apologize.  Zyia Babe, I Need You!
Mosi, I apologize.  Mari, I Need You!
'Jana, I apologize.  Kwaku, I Need You!"

Daddy Loves You!

A Song For You

Hello Ife Oshone Amari Kwaku Na'Zyia

I work for a living, to provide a wonderful future for You.  Whether I am in Your life or not, I am dedicated to making as much money as possible.  This is my life.  This is the life.  I feel good about going about making a good impression on all around me, as they witness my work ethic.  I also do not lie, cheat, steal or do anything negative.  In fact, for four years, I have only spread positive energy to all.  I never say one bad word about anyone, and do not engage in gossip.  I am clean.

I wanted to say that I've also been working on songs for You.  I made an instrumental a little while ago, and from the moment it was created, I could hear the words that would accompany the music.

The chorus says;

*****, I apologize.
Babies; I Love You.
*****, I apologize.
*****, I Love You.
Kwaku, I apologize.
Children, I Love You.
Most High, I apologize.
*****, I Love You.

I'll start recording this tonight..
I have an early day tomorrow, as I have to leave for work at 6:30 am.

Know that, it is far deeper than words could ever express..

Love,
Daddy

Saturday, 25 June 2016

Why?

Why is it that through adversity, a person who is truly sorry finds all the wrongs of his doings?  Why does it take adversity for a genuine person to conclude, that they must do right?  That they must be better?  What does it take for a person to truly wake up?  I conclude, that it takes for them to lose all that they Love.

I desire to continue this path of wakefulness, as I strive to be a better man.  To become a great man, thus, a great father is all that matters to me.

"... and he was called God's friend.  You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone."

I Love You Ife, Oshone, Na'Zyia, Amari, Kwaku.

With all of me,
Always.
Heart and Soul

Love,

Daddy

Ife Lia'Jasiri

Hello Ife,

I wish for You to be Happy.  So happy, and joyous.  I hope You had a wonderful birthday.
Daddy Loves You.
Daddy Misses You.

I Love You Ife,

Love,

Daddy