Tuesday 29 March 2016

Oshone Amari Kwaku Na'Zyia Ife

Hi Oshone.
Hello Amari
Kwaku; Good evening
Good night, Na'Zyi
Ife; You are on my mind

It is so hard to write these words, as so much wishes to come out of me, but I am allowed not to express my love towards you.  Yet, here I am taking a chance.  My love for you, my children is so strong that I risk my freedom.  This is one of the only ways that is so far acceptable, so I choose to release this infinite love I have for you in this way.

I wanted to say that I only have love in my heart, and understand that I am not allowed to be in your lives as a result of my behavior in the past.  This means, that I blame only myself.  I live a life where I point the finger at me, continuously.  The time we have been apart has taught me much about life as I have reflected, worked very hard on myself and have views of the world vastly different than when you were all much younger.  I take this moment to say, I apologize.

Your Aunt moved into the same residence (home address) as you, and it must be clearly stated that I had no idea that she was doing this.  She came to my house and told me that herself and her fiancĂ© were living there.  I was at first surprised, than angry, and than very nervous.  It is not that she is not to do such a thing, but that I have defended and protected your privacy without exception.  More than this, it should not be a thought in any persons mind that I had anything to do with the decision your Aunt made.  I have little control over what takes place outside my own actions.  This is an example of what I have just mentioned.

I stay far away because this is the order made against me.  People who love me ask if being away from you drives me crazy.  I reply; I am strong and I will fight to be in your lives, but I will abide by the Judges decision.  I will continue to work hard, pay child support, seek professionals to advise me on how a father who loves his children can one day be reunited with them (you).  I will write letters to you, that one day you will read (I pray), and I will do nothing outside of love you.  Miss you.  Do the right things in life to prove I am just a Father, wanting to help his children.  I help many people but nothing or no one is as important to me as you Oshone.  As you Amari.  As You Kwaku.  As you Na'Zyi.  And as you, Ife. 

I have so many video's of us together, when you were young that I watch and cry to. 
When will this end?  When will you and I be together again?
I do not know, but I know that I will be a good man until the end.
That I will fight to the end, to prove I am a devoted father.

I Love you Oshone.  I Love you Amari.  I Love you Kwaku.  I Love you Na'Zyia.  I Love you Ife.

Until the next letter, I pray my good energy is received and reaches you.
I do pray every night, hoping you are all warm.  Comfortable.  Enthusiastic about school, learning, sports, art.  That you are enjoying your lives because you are all so special and deserve what I pray for the most for you every night..

That you are happy.
That you smile.

I Love You

Sunday 20 March 2016

Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia, Ife - Kwame James misses you so much!!!

I have never stopped loving and missing you, Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia and Ife.  I wake up in the middle of every night crying, and wishing you were near.  What we shared while you were growing up is within me, in such a way that provides comfort, however small this comfort may be.  I watch video's of us playing and spending time together that I still have, and look through the hundreds of photo's I have collected.  I have some of them up on the walls in the house, and on my dishes.  I have photo's on the desk so that you are with me, although I am not allowed to have you in my life. 

I want, if ever you should come across these messages for you to know that I remember everything we shared.  It hurts to speak of all our memories but I do share them with some close friends I have.  I tell everyone about you, and they all say the same thing.  That one day, we will be re-united.  I tell them that I will never give up on you, whether that day comes or not.  That I have fought in court for you, but am consistently refused access to you.  That the home I have, is designed in a way where all your bedrooms are customized for what I believe your interests are.  I even have your favorite foods in the refrigerator, and all your snacks in the cupboards.  I have even bought clothes for you, in your closets.  Do not be mistaken, as I do pay monthly child support and will continue doing so until the day that I die.  It is the right thing for a Father to do. 

I do not live with anyone.  I live completely alone.  I am not in a relationship with no other woman.  My heart will not let go of the one I love (whom I am not allowed to speak of).  I understand that I am setting myself up for a very sad existence, because that which I want so bad, I will never have.  This is the dream of a man, father, and simple human being wanting the best for his family.  Wishing there were a way the cycle could be broken, and a biological mother, father and all their children could be together as one.  Not only for this principle alone.  But for this family to express love, happiness, and beautiful moments day in and day out.  When I say that I have changed, it is in a manor that has taught me the value of family.  That nothing is more important on Earth to me than maintaining love first for that which you cherish most.  This is the most important thing in life.  Your connection with family. 

I have words to write that will go on, 'till infinity but what should be taken from my articulation is the love I have for life.  If I am telling you that Oshone, you are my life.  Amari, you are my life.  Kwaku, you are my life.  Na'Zyia, you are my life.  Ife, you are my life.  What I am saying is that I love you more than I love myself.  I am sorry for not having the wisdom in my earlier years, to recognize the beauty of having a family.  However, what I have done wrong, I strive to correct.  If not with you physically in my life, than through words, savings, and sharing our memories with those close to me so that many will know not of anything negative in my life.  But to know that here is a human, who see's and speaks only positive.  I think positive, and behave positively. 

More than this...

I Love You Ife
I Love You Na'Zyia
I Love You Kwaku
I Love You Amari
I Love You Oshone

I Miss You So Much...