I have never stopped loving and missing you, Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia and Ife. I wake up in the middle of every night crying, and wishing you were near. What we shared while you were growing up is within me, in such a way that provides comfort, however small this comfort may be. I watch video's of us playing and spending time together that I still have, and look through the hundreds of photo's I have collected. I have some of them up on the walls in the house, and on my dishes. I have photo's on the desk so that you are with me, although I am not allowed to have you in my life.
I want, if ever you should come across these messages for you to know that I remember everything we shared. It hurts to speak of all our memories but I do share them with some close friends I have. I tell everyone about you, and they all say the same thing. That one day, we will be re-united. I tell them that I will never give up on you, whether that day comes or not. That I have fought in court for you, but am consistently refused access to you. That the home I have, is designed in a way where all your bedrooms are customized for what I believe your interests are. I even have your favorite foods in the refrigerator, and all your snacks in the cupboards. I have even bought clothes for you, in your closets. Do not be mistaken, as I do pay monthly child support and will continue doing so until the day that I die. It is the right thing for a Father to do.
I do not live with anyone. I live completely alone. I am not in a relationship with no other woman. My heart will not let go of the one I love (whom I am not allowed to speak of). I understand that I am setting myself up for a very sad existence, because that which I want so bad, I will never have. This is the dream of a man, father, and simple human being wanting the best for his family. Wishing there were a way the cycle could be broken, and a biological mother, father and all their children could be together as one. Not only for this principle alone. But for this family to express love, happiness, and beautiful moments day in and day out. When I say that I have changed, it is in a manor that has taught me the value of family. That nothing is more important on Earth to me than maintaining love first for that which you cherish most. This is the most important thing in life. Your connection with family.
I have words to write that will go on, 'till infinity but what should be taken from my articulation is the love I have for life. If I am telling you that Oshone, you are my life. Amari, you are my life. Kwaku, you are my life. Na'Zyia, you are my life. Ife, you are my life. What I am saying is that I love you more than I love myself. I am sorry for not having the wisdom in my earlier years, to recognize the beauty of having a family. However, what I have done wrong, I strive to correct. If not with you physically in my life, than through words, savings, and sharing our memories with those close to me so that many will know not of anything negative in my life. But to know that here is a human, who see's and speaks only positive. I think positive, and behave positively.
More than this...
I Love You Ife
I Love You Na'Zyia
I Love You Kwaku
I Love You Amari
I Love You Oshone
I Miss You So Much...
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