"Fight For ME"

Revelations that come to me, everyday strike my heart with a force that tears my eyes.  Continuously.  The fact that a lady said "Fight For ME", although I was not worth the ground she walked and walks.  All the wrongs of my life, that cause me to literally hate myself are too numerous to count.  When I feel as though I've arrived at the final wrong, another comes smashing the door.  I thought of 14 more wrongs, and silently, under my breath, in my car, said I am sorry...

How could I be so blind, during the most important time of my life?  This question will haunt me until the day I die.  What is more disturbing, is life's twisted irony.  That I now am in a financially secure position, and am growing.  To be specific, I am now above middle income and own more than I have ever owned in my life, but cannot show and physically give to the most important Angels in the Universe (again, although I do pay child support twice a month).  That I have interviews for higher positions, which will double my income, and have arrived at this place far too late, causes me dismay beyond belief.  I cannot shake my head hard enough, and feel disdain for myself.  Not sympathy, but utter disgust for myself.  Why was I such a fool!! 

To review more honesty; I have paid a 'lawyer' now $9000.00 in child support, and have sent birthday money (not including the thousands paid in court and lawyer fee's), which I am increasing as my income increases.  Going on 1 year living in a home, that is furnished all the way, from the bedrooms and bathrooms, to the basement.  Alone!  Living alone!  Own my car (BMW SUV) and the things I have invested in are actually improving my financial standing.  So much I wish to say.  Speaking of alone; a truth that may be difficult to believe, but I do not lie so here it is.  I have not been in a ****** relationship nor have I been ******** with anyone since I left.  I have done so much wrong, in terms of flirting, and leading on.. but I have never crossed that line.  This does not make me a good man, as I have belittled myself for all my wrongs, but it is a truth none the less.  I thought on this deeply and realized just because I am not ******** with anyone, does not give me grounds to be forgiven for all my sins.  My sins, if I could reverse them, would make me a good man.  Now, I set out to undo all my wrongs.  To find a way to become a good man.  To apologize forever and a day, to the One I Love.  To make Her realize that I would worship the ground She walks every second of every day.  That to Love Her better as the sun arises each morning, is one of my motivations to live.  To Love Her better each day.  The depth of this sentence...

I will not be given this chance, because I do not deserve it.  The audacity of myself, to ask the Universe to grant me this ONE chance! 

All I am is a man who has recognized his wrongs. 
All I am is a man who has much to be punished for.

I am this man, who wants to give Love..

Just arrived home from work, and now I shower.  Then, downstairs to record music for Oshone, Amari, Kwaku, Na'Zyia, Ife. 

Then; I will pray.

Daddy